Learning Lessons...

If you had asked me a few months ago how I felt about God I would have told you that I was very angry at him. I can admit to this now and not be ashamed of this fact. The last 6 months have been anything but boring...and have been filled with lessons and adventures. Starting the day after Christmas we were hit with some pretty big stresses relating to Peter's career. Those stresses have been pretty consistent ever since. One of those lovely stresses was a failed pt test. He has had knea problems since he pole climbing in tech school. When someone fails a PT test they are written up and then given 3 months before they test again. When Peter took the original PT test I was praying...begging God to let Peter pass his test. I knew God could do it because he had done it with the several other tests Peter had taken. But this was the test that Peter failed. I was really upset. It caused extra stress on our life and it meant three months not six before we had to face another PT test. I couldn't figure out why God would allow yet another event to further challenge our lives. I got to the point where I felt that nothing mattered. I was angry at God for the fact that he would allow these events to keep hitting us when we were fighting to do what we were supposed to do and follow the rules. I was angry at God because he brought us here and was now letting us fail. I cried to my husband explaining that I was angry. He looked at me and told me "be angry, but be angry to God's face. Tell Him that you're angry at Him." And I did. One day something clicked. If I'm angry at God. If He is to blame for everything. If I can't trust God to do what is best for my family. If I stop trusting God. Then there is no point to anything. We are completely screwed. And there is no reason to ever hope for anything good or right. All that is good, all that is right, all that is honest, all that is pure ALL comes from God. Really it comes down to your option being death (whether physical or spiritual) or God. I choose God. I made the decision at this point that that I would trust God. He's in control and He has a plan.
This is about the time the PT retest happened. I figured that the way I prayed last time didn't seem to do much good. I decided to try a new approach this time around. I prayed that God would give us peace and give Peter focus and strength. He passed his PT test this time :)
It was after this that I realized exactly what I needed to do. I need to stop asking God for what I want and start asking God for the grace to accept what HE wants.

To be continued...

Pet Peeve of the Day...

One of the MANY things that irritates me beyond all others is when people feel the need to express their OPINIONS on whether my husband and I should have children. When you hear someone is pregnant people are all like "congratulations! that's so exciting!". If they hear that you don't have kids they're like "oh definitely wait for as LONG as possible". Well which is it?? are you excited for them or are you secretly thinking "suckers"?? People act like we have 100% control on whether or not we have children....my question to those people: Did you plan the timing of every single one of your children? Yeah, didn't think so. Here is what I've decided on the topic....it is NO ONE's business when we choose to have children. Our finances are NO ONE's business!! Whether we are "ready" to have children is NO ONE's business!! We are ADULTS!! And we are MARRIED!! So I would appreciate if people would quite acting like we are stupid teenagers. So, if you have any opinions on our financial state, our "readiness" to have children, or your "feelings" on when/where we should have children...PLEASE KEEP THEM TO YOURSELF!!!! Thank you :)

On a side note...we have no intention on having children anytime in the near future...but like I said how many of your children were planned?

Rant Over.

Provision...

As I watch my brother count down to his bmt leave date it brings back memories of Peter's bmt days. One of the clearest memories I have from that 8 1/2 weeks is the one letter I got from him. The night I got the letter I was driving home at night, probably after a night class close to finals. I hadn't heard from Peter in a couple weeks and I was really upset about it. I missed him so much and by that point was angry because I hadn't had any contact. I cried on the way home that night. When I got home I checked the mailbox and found the letter he wrote me. I was so happy. He wrote "I love you sweetheart" on the outside of the envelope. Words I needed to hear so bad. I held that letter and cried. I didn't open it for at least a half hour. And when I sat down to open it I so very carefully cut open the top of the envelope...making sure that I cut only the envelope and not the precious piece of paper inside. The paper that he had held in his hands just days before...I pulled the letter out and read it...slowly. The letter that had taken him almost a week to write I read slowly... and then I read it again.
Just hours before that I had been crying in the car on my way home. Because I hadn't heard from the man I loved. I needed to badly to hear from him. And God knew that. When I was at the point where I was most upset God had already provided what I needed. It was a very small thing...and a reminder that is easy to forget. That letter for me is a reminder that God knows what our needs are whether it is physical or emotional.